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Alright, I have no idea what I expect anyone to do with this information, but it's been fucking me up for a long time and I need to vent. It feels weird to say anything because I've always just dealt with this kind of thing on my own, but it's getting to the point where it's causing me to make bad choices. All I want is for someone to hear me and I don't know who the fuck to talk to.
Far more often than I feel comfortable with, I experience episodes (from hours to days long) where I just feel crushingly broken. Nothing feels right, and all I want is for everything to reset and to live a different life. I know that sounds stupid. Everyone wishes they lived a better life.
It's that exact thought that drives me through these episodes. I convince myself that I'm being ridiculous and have no reason to feel like shit. That's true; my life is relatively good. I don't have a reason to constantly be stressed about feeling that life isn't worth living, but that dying is pointless. I drink, smoke, and hurt myself to forget about it. For a long time I kept my vices in good check, but that's starting to crack. Too often I'm drinking myself oblivious to a problem that's all in my head.
What pisses me off is that I know I have no reason to feel bad, but I always do. I don't know why. I know I'm fucking depressed, but no amount of reading "it's not your fault you feel like this!" from people that don't know me can counteract my ego: My belief that it is my fault I feel like this. I'm just built in a way that takes the fault, and thinks if something is fucked up it's my responsibility to fix it if I want to make things better.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't expect anyone else to know how to fix this. I am happy you cared enough about my problems to read this all though. Thank you.