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Alright, I have no idea what I expect anyone to do with this information, but it's been fucking me up for a long time and I need to vent. It feels weird to say anything because I've always just dealt with this kind of thing on my own, but it's getting to the point where it's causing me to make bad choices. All I want is for someone to hear me and I don't know who the fuck to talk to.
Far more often than I feel comfortable with, I experience episodes (from hours to days long) where I just feel crushingly broken. Nothing feels right, and all I want is for everything to reset and to live a different life. I know that sounds stupid. Everyone wishes they lived a better life.
It's that exact thought that drives me through these episodes. I convince myself that I'm being ridiculous and have no reason to feel like shit. That's true; my life is relatively good. I don't have a reason to constantly be stressed about feeling that life isn't worth living, but that dying is pointless. I drink, smoke, and hurt myself to forget about it. For a long time I kept my vices in good check, but that's starting to crack. Too often I'm drinking myself oblivious to a problem that's all in my head.
What pisses me off is that I know I have no reason to feel bad, but I always do. I don't know why. I know I'm fucking depressed, but no amount of reading "it's not your fault you feel like this!" from people that don't know me can counteract my ego: My belief that it is my fault I feel like this. I'm just built in a way that takes the fault, and thinks if something is fucked up it's my responsibility to fix it if I want to make things better.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't expect anyone else to know how to fix this. I am happy you cared enough about my problems to read this all though. Thank you.
Cogito, ergo cogito.
Sum, ergo sum.
Play it safe, pal.
When hanging out with friends, we're often busy doing shit so I don't get the time to have a real conversation about unrelated subjects.
Bring up something abstract, esoteric, personal, anything. I want to see what Newgrounds has going on up there.
For a long time, (like since I was 10-12) I've wanted to write music. Throughout the years, I've listened to a lot of shit and learned a lot about it. I'm getting to the point where I REALLY want to start getting some stuff out there.
I've been playing guitar for about 6 years, drums for around 3, and bass for around 2. What I really love doing when it comes to music is vocals, though. My voice is mid-low, and naturally inclined towards an aggressive tone while singing which matches nicely with my preferred genre being metal. I have lyric sheets spread over all why electronic devices, melodies written for all of them in my head, just no aural representation of anything. I want that to change.
I don't know when I'm gonna have the time and motivation to start doing this, but one day I'm gonna have shit up on here. If I really wanted to, I could actually write something acoustic and post it by the end of the week, but I don't want to do that. I want to release music when I feel I'm ready, not to pump something out just for the sake of having it in the portal.
One day :===3 )
How long did the universe exist before you were alive? Well, the Big Bang was estimated to have happened about 13.75 billion years ago. That means that before you were alive, you were "unconscious" for about 14 billion years. You're probably gonna experience about 75 years. That's almost nothing, so make every day count, right? Well, think about this.
When you die, you're unconscious for eternity. Do you know what that means? Those 14 billion years that you were "unconscious" might as well have been a blink of an eye in this life. 14,000,000,000. Fucking. Years. Is nothing, compared to the future. How hard does one have to try to make an impact that's going to really affect the future? How persistent does one have to be to truly make his mark?
The answer, as far as we know, could be infinitely, something we simply cannot achieve. Look into these, some theories on how the universe might end. No matter what you do, it's all gonna be pissed away when it's all over.
Now go make the most of your 75 fucking years.
I now resolve to make all forum posts in a mood that is either neutral or lower on the rage scale. I have decided that happiness is a useless factor in public speaking.
Opeth is, and always will be, superior to Tool.
Edit: Inspired by Valjylmyr. Opeth is also superior to raw onions, LG Banters, most people name Michael, those shitty socks that tear apart in a week, my house's skylight, Mexicans, and my printer.